You a Lemming from that old computer game Lemmings?

Despite what a lot of people might say, being a lemming is a full time freaking job. It takes a lot of work to walk in a straightline. And a lot of upkeep to do it day in and day out throughout the late 80's and the early 90's. So if you are one, these are some deduction tips for you:

• Green hair dye. You think it's vanity? It's not. No way in hell you would get hired to walk around cliffs if your hair was not green. You going grey? You aren't a lemming, you are washed up. (Supplies)
• Miner's Axe. For some lemmings these are provided (the ten or so that were allowed this level) but for most a miner's axe is a thing that they have to purchase on their own or be fated to run endlessly into a rock and face the consequences of a monotonous existence or a deadly fall. It's a work tool, obviously, and something you can't go without. (Supplies)
• Xanax. It's not a drug, it's a necessity. Watching all of your friends fall to their grizzly demise takes a toll on a lemming, so cheer up and chill out. Take a Xanax. (Medicine)
• Food (Meals and Entertainment). NOT DEDUCTIBLE! You don't eat and don't do anything for fun. You're a lemming. We have fun playing with you, you walk in a straight line. You deduct anything like this and you're sure to get audited.
• An old MS-DOS computer. This is like asking if a human being can deduct the earth beneath their feet... can you? Well the answer is maybe. A good CPA will be able to deduct the very thing that created you. But a bad one will just land you in jail for tax evasion, and there is no escape... even with a floater lemming.

Taxes, much like a lemming's path, is inescapable. It's how you do it where the magic lies. Remember that.

You a CPA?

Do you do other people's taxes for a living? Are you certified? Then yes you're a CPA. I don't know why you're at this blog, but WELCOME! What can you deduct?

• Because if you get audited you will never have to hire a tax lawyer, you are able to deduct: Everything (Everything). Risk free.
  
• At least 20,000 sheets of paper. The ones you use to print everyone's tax returns with. (Supplies)
• Aspirin. One of the work risks is having to deal with all the idiotic riff raff who don't organize their receipts (tell me about it! What assholes). You are then able to deduct aspirin. If you ever get audited, be such a pain in the ass to the IRS agent that he gets a headache. Offer him an aspirin. You'll show them how useful it can be. (Medical)
• The folders you use to organize your receipts. (supplies)
• The folders you use to organize your receipts for the folders you use to organize your receipts. (supplies)
• You receipts. (supplies)
  

You are an accountant for the PUBLIC, just remember that it is your duty to be a jerk to the government for us.

You a computer programmer?

Yep. You probably are. Did you ever make a website for no real reason because you wanted to be a blogger for a week? Than that qualifies. Did you ever decide that your computer was an awesome way to watch movies? Than that qualifies. Ever use your keyboard as a paperweight? You're a computer programmer. Here are some of your deductions:

• The seven computers you bought and then returned. You have receipts for all of them right? Deduct all of them. If you get audited inform the IRS that a rabid Racoon ran off with the extra ones. (Supplies)
• World of Warcraft Subscription. How else are you going to meet and network with other computer programming professionals, noob? (Networking, Professional Development)
• Your cans of air. These help clean up your keyboard. Also, your cool whip canisters fall under this category too. No one needs to know you get high with them. Perhaps NO2 just helps your keyboard out so much. (Supplies)
• Fritos. (Meals, 50%)
• You are not able to write off any pornographic subscriptions (meals & entertainment) since any true programmer knows how to find that without paying. Yes. Even the good stuff.
• The illegally ripped off versions of Microsoft Word and Adobe Photoshop. You should have paid for them, so you should be able to write them off. (Supplies)

The only working man the government will get this year is the stupid working man who doesn't know better.

You an actor?

If you're an actor, even part of the time, or even if one time like 5 years ago you starred as an extra in an episode of gossip girl, you should be able to write this stuff off:

• Every article of clothing you own/have owned (industry supplies)
  
• The Sopranos DVDs that you bought when you were depressed that one time (industry research)
• That plane ticket you bought to Seattle for a college reunion, except the destination is conveniently scratched off on the receipt... because you actually went to L.A. to meet with some executives. (Travel)
• That dinner you paid for when you were trying to impress that girl who was really attractive and you wanted to build up your self confidence for when you got onto the stage in the next ten years. (Meals and Entertainment, 50% deduction)
• The rogaine you bought that wasn't covered by your HMO since it considers it a VANITY drug but you know that it's not because no industry execs hire baldies like you (Supplies/Medical on your Form A)
• All of the beer you bought on trips to bars. But make sure you reorganize your receipts so that all this beer buying actually looked like it was singing lessons. (continued education)

No WAY will the government be able to beat you.